omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
