I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
