I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
