Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
