Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
