Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
