Will you blow on my dice?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
