this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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