Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
