if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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