My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
