I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Who died my cat blue again?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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