you would pick up someone in the library
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
