I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
