I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
