You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
