Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Terrible idea I love it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
