Just fell off a train. Bad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
