i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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