He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
i've created a new STD.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
