I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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