Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
