You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
