Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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