She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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