I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
