can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
