please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
