I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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