There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
