at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
