I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
