Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
