How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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