I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
