In the future we'll all be gay
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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