4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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