Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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