also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
