Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
