If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
