i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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