I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
