By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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