toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
