Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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