I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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