Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
