a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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