I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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