My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
