the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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