Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
