Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
