my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
