the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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