saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
COCAINE IS GR8
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
